Kitchen Catastrohe
by Maskgirl
Summary: Never Ever fry Tannoc root


Cooking Catastrophe  
  
The boys try and cook their own meal while the girls are away at the spa  
  
Warning I do not own Farscape or any of its characters. Many of the gags aren't original but I do hope they go well. Any input would be appreciated so please send a review.  
  
After returning from the mental training camp the boys were quite hungry. Without really meaning to they marched straight to the galley.  
  
"Boy, that camp food sucked guys. I'm telling you I am looking forward to a heaping bowl of-" Crichton was cut off by a hideous growling sound. "Rygel keep your shirt on and wait 5 microts."  
  
The toad like king, ruler of over 600 billion subjects looked offended, "It wasn't me!"  
  
Crichton just gave the Hynerian a look and Rygel zipped off in his hover chair, muttering about how insulted he was.  
  
"Er, John that was me," said D'Argo hesitantly. "The camp served far too little portions."  
  
The two remaining males gave Scorpious a dirty look. The ghastly creature grimaced making himself even uglier than before. "Well what did you expect it was going to be, a frelling day at the spa?"  
  
D'Argo changed the subject immediately, "Pilot!" he called out. "Where are the girls? They should be back by now."  
  
From a nearby holotransmitter Pilot's image appeared. An unwelcome thought popped into John Crichton's mind. "What would Pilot taste like served in garlic butter?"  
  
"Pilot, we're hungry. Where are the girls? We need Noranti to prepare some food, " asked D'Argo.  
  
"Captain D'Argo, the girls are not yet back. Travelling Tormented space is notoriously slow. If I were you I would prepare a meal myself. They won't be back for another solar cycle."  
  
Scorpious pulled off his gloves and said quietly, "Captain D'Argo if I may- "  
  
"No Grasshopper- you may not. You have hunted me for over two cycles, put a chip in my head, took a piece of my brain out and generally made life miserable for the rest of us. I do not want you poisoning us. I'll go prepare some supper," said John.  
  
When he reached the cupboards John got an unpleasant surprise. Sure he knew how to cook but that was earth food. None of the cans or packages had pictures on the labels, just the strange languages that everybody in the galaxy except John could read. And the fresh vegetables assuming that's what they were John had no idea how to prepare them.  
  
So John, astronaut and fugitive sucked in his gut, started up stove, opened a can of squiggle, squiggle hen scratch and poured it over some purple carrot things.  
  
It was obvious to the two other men that John did not know how to cook as he poured the equivalent of beef gravy over bananas.  
  
Scorpious made a choking noise and shuddered while D'Argo stared at the human goggle eyed.  
  
"Er, John perhaps I should prepare the meal," said D'Argo gently.  
  
"No, no don't I haven't had a good laugh like this in monens," choked Scorpious. It was then the two men realized he was laughing.  
  
John stormed off in a foul mood. D'Argo marched to the galley and started chopping up a root, wielding the knife like a sword. Scorpious meanwhile made himself comfortable as he watched the Luxan cook.  
  
"Stop hovering like that," snapped D'Argo.  
  
"I'm just observing - is that tannoc root?"  
  
"Yes, what about it?"  
  
"Well you're frying it. You do know what happens when you fry tannoc root."  
  
"No what?" The Luxan turned around to face Scorpious. The hybrid's eyes widened as the pot fizzled over.  
  
"D'Argo run," They managed to leap out of the galley just as it exploded behind them.  
  
Half an arn later after the smoke had cleared and D'Argo had managed to convince John that the explosion was not Scorpious' fault. The men sifted through the ruins trying to find something to eat as Moya's DRD's set to work rebuilding the galley.  
  
"All the food in the refrigerator has been contaminated with cooling fluid," reported Scorpious. "Frell, there was a nice Hezin bird I was going to prepare for Sikzou- never mind."  
  
John pulled a mass of charred metal from what was once the cupboard above him. It looked more like an abstract metal sculpture than a set of cans. " The canned goods are destroyed here. It looks like nothing survived."  
  
"Oh something did indeed survive. I've found me a cycle of nice fresh Delvian vegetables," said Rygel smugly. He was perched on a large grey crate that shook slightly.  
  
"Do you even know how to cook Your Highness?" said John.  
  
"I most certainly do, in fact the Peacekeepers made me prison cook. Now stand back boys you're about have a meal fit for a king!" Rygel then grinned hugely as he opened the crate with a crowbar.  
  
Big mistake, all Delvian plants are mobile and as soon as the Hynerian opened the crate all the frightened and hungry vegetables poured out of the box. A purple seed sniper shot Scorpious point blank knocking the hybrid off his feet. A flock of tiny little bussel sprouts swarmed over D'Argo causing the huge Luxan to flail wildly. He knocked the unfortunate Rygel right in front of what looked like a blue cabbage. The cabbage opened its huge mouth and grabbed Rygel.  
  
Only the Hynerian's feet showed as he kicked and struggled, "Get me the yotz outta here!"  
  
John pulled out his gun. Who ever thought he needed it in the kitchen? And pointed it directly at the cabbage.  
  
"No wait!" You'll cause the bile fluid to leak on the leaves," pleaded Scorpious.  
  
"Grasshopper, if you've got any better suggestions I'd like to hear it," said John.  
  
The hybrid stood straight up. He armed himself with an aerosol can and a wicked looking vegetable knife. The smile on his face was terrible, "I'll deal with this."  
  
Before anyone could say one word Scorpious chopped open the cabbage freeing Rygel, sprayed the bussel sprouts on D'Argo stunning them and proceeded to lay down a path of pruning. Leaves, vines and sap flew everywhere. The men looked on, half in horror, half in admiration.  
  
"I think Scorpious knows what he's doing," said an awestruck D'Argo.  
  
A little while later after Scorpious rounded up the last of the vegetables, Crichton left for the infirmary to pick out some seeds from his arm.  
  
When he returned he saw Scorpious cooking busily and placing some nuts in a pot. One of the pots wailed piteously. Scorpious was boiling the bussel sprouts. John grimaced in disgust.  
  
"That's just a reaction John, they're not in any pain," said Scorpious defensively.  
  
"And how would you know that?"  
  
"Because I'm cooking their brains in this soup."  
  
John hastily closed the on the pot of soup he was sniffing. " So, ah how did you learn to cook?"  
  
"I found out that learning to cook impresses the females to no end. A nicely cooked Hezin bird is the perfect move in luring a female to your bed."  
  
"Oh man! Don't subject me to that imagery, I'll go call the others for supper."  
  
After the human had left. Scorpious poured some stew into a black bowl and placed some pills in it.  
  
They all sat down to a small table as Scorpious ladled out the food. None of the others even touched their food. They just stared at the Scarren hybrid.  
  
"Oh, really! If I wanted to kill you all I would have just shut down the life support. Still don't trust me? All right I'll go first," he then picked up a black bowl and proceeded to eat it.  
  
The huge Luxan shrugged and then started to eat.  
  
"Nice table manners Scorpy. Raised in a barn were you?" sneered John.  
  
"No a concentration camp," replied Scorpious.  
  
"How come my meal is different from the others?" asked Rygel quietly.  
  
"I thought you'd appreciate the Delvian cabbage," replied Scorpious.  
  
"Hey this stuff is actually quite good," grinned D'Argo revealing blackened teeth.  
  
"Grasshopper what did you put in the stew?" accused John.  
  
"Betel nuts, they make your teeth lovely and black. John how come you're not eating your stew?"  
  
"Because I'd rather eat yours," said John as he snatched Scorpious' bowl.  
  
John, you don't want to do that! John put the bowl down. Trust me."  
  
"That's just it I don't."  
  
"John you'll regret this."  
  
Crichton proceeded to gulp down Scorpious' meal. Halfway through the human gave off a sickly belch and keeled right over onto the table.  
  
"You frellnik you poisoned John, with your meal," shouted D'Argo.  
  
I most certainly did not! I like to put my pills in my food and even if I did do you think I would want this effect.  
  
"I love you Scorpy, " said John as his kissed Scorpious on the cheek.  
  
"Then why didn't you tell us," asked D'Argo dangerously.  
  
"Because a Peacekeeper never advertises his weaknesses. John is very lucky he's having a mild reaction."  
  
"Ooh pretty colours," said John. He waved his hands in front of his face grinning stupidly.  
  
"Well what did you expect? I have at least three medical journals dedicated to my physiology."  
  
The look of sincerity and exasperation saved Scorpious' life. D'Argo made his decision, "Pilot get the DRD's to prep up the infirmary. We're going to pump out this idiot's stomach"  
  
The End 


End file.
